Life at sea is lonely

I promise these are the last of the photography spam. Took them this morning before leaving… Storm kept me up all night and didn’t sleep well. So thought why not try to capture it? It then made me think a bit deeper. I'm not sure what this post ended up being but probably best thing I've ever put down on page let alone out in the wild.

The sea has always fascinated me (weird when you grow up twenty miles from Brum). It’s such an angry mess when it’s stormy. I guess I find similarities to my brain. A jumbled up fog of emotions, thoughts and directions – it's never at rest. A bit deep and never ending.

...I just want to feel, safe in my own skin
I just want to be, happy again
I just want to feel, deep in my own world
...But I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore

From Dido’s song Honestly Ok from her 1999 album No Angel. I’ve always loved this album and this song stands out for its minute long intro and it’s simplicity in that it’s basically two choruses and no verses. A bit odd in structure but lyrically it’s something I really connect with. It’s a bit like the how are you?… I’m ok response - but deep down are we “honestly ok”.

It’s an album I have distinct memories of playing on repeat back in the day whilst teaching myself how Quark Express worked by replicating designs I’d come across - dreaming of one day doing this as a job maybe even work for myself someday.

Fast forward some 26 years and here we are, life time dream unlocked. I’m going off by myself after 9 years of being in partnership.

I should be happy right? 16 year old me would be delighted. 40 year old me is unsure and uneasy. Richard wants his comfort blanket back.

I really don’t know what to feel at the minute, this next chapter holds so much unknown. There is no doubt I have the skills and experience to handle it. Imposter syndrome chimp brain will always tell me otherwise. It’s just the thought of having no one to bounce ideas off, rant to when you’re having one of those days or to just ask what do you think - someone to steady my unsteady ship!

I revert back to the song I quoted before. Loneliness. I’ve got used to my company now but you can’t help feel it sometimes… Yes I am a bit of a loner. I guess I’ve known this for some time now and feel like this next step is not making my life easier.

I just want to be, happy again…

But what is happy? Something I’ve probably struggled with for 15 years now. I’m not not happy though, more it feels like I’m missing some key pieces. The reality is that as a now “middle aged” man are you ever going to replace the childhood happiness (yes I’m fully aware that everyones experience are different).

You’re told to not always hunt for the answers and they don’t exists. I just wish they did! You can’t certainly can’t predict the future so I’ll just have to ride the waves as they come - life’s meant to be unpredictable right?

Not sure what this post has ended up as? A mind dump, cathartic. An open and honest letter to the world to admit that I don't find this shit easy. Let’s be honest running a business is fucking hard and life is even harder (the world we live is just doesn't slow down does it). But mixed amongst those feelings are amazing memories and opportunities.

We need to remember that life isn’t linear, like the tides and swell. Ups and downs. Calm and beautiful one minute - choatic and angry the next 🌊 One minute you’re riding a storm in a coracle the next you’re sailing at full steam across the ocean taking on the world 💪⛵️